The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
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1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.
The inventor of the condom was a hardwear engineer
…and send
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
Just found a WhatsApp message to my friends from 2014 when I was living near Central Park. Little did I know it was a Kennedy
*pointing at menu* this is nutrient free right? does this come nutrient free?
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲