The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
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People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
mechanics be like
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
When I find myself in times of trouble
Tinnitus it comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom,
“Eeeeeeeeeeee”
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves