The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
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Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
I just squealed when I saw my daughter brought home 2 lost water bottles from school. This is my life now.
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
looks legit
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
I wish I could call my dad’s therapist and be like “hey what exactly are you working on over there???”
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.