Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

mobster: *choking me with garrote*

me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol

Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”

Him: We have made it completely idiot proof

Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that

[running into my ex while shopping]

Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.

Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.

Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.

When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.

If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.

Did you know?

Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.

I just heard my husband quietly say to the baby, “you are really cute . . . do you think we’re cute too?”

You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.

[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.

Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.

[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]

Me: oh no

I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”

14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”

Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.

When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.

6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?

“Is this your resume?”

Yes

“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”

Yes

“Welcome to UPS!”

I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.

After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.

Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.

God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones

Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?

God: eh you’ll figure it out

“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant

If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.

*me being romantic*

Karen, will you marry me?

“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”

*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*

Breaking news:

After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom

Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt

shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream

me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*