The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
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The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.