Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

who called it girl dinner and not the female graze.

Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.

now is it just me or does this dress look like she’s making pasta from scratch.

i sent you a message telepathically and you didn’t respond…are you mad at me?

Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money

I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.

I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.

me: waiter this soup is cold

waiter: it’s Gazpacho

me: Gazpacho this soup is cold

the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”

Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.

What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.

Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?

Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.

Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?

How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.

Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.

If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer

[bar]
Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted

Disappointed it’s raining this weekend

Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months

A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.

After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”

It was nice knowing you all.

When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.

A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.

Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die

Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.

I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.

me: can I give your dog a pet?

him: sure

me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*

dog: thanks

Cw: you have a call holding

M: put it in my voicemail

Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent

M: hiiii this is Jennifer

Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.

Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth

Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”

Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.