Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.

She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.

This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.

My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”

Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do

Google: Call 911

Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE

FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner

Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?

I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.

[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s

This morning, I held the door open for a woman and her entire entourage, and she didn’t even acknowledge me. So when she came out of the restroom with a panty liner stuck to the back of her dress, I returned the favor and didn’t acknowledge her either.

The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.

Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me

i’m so old i’m almost back in style

When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.

Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.

girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height

me: yeah no need to add too much info!

girl: ok but how tall are you?

me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important

I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*

*It’s whoa, by the way

I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.

My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”

So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.

Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.

who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often

I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.

I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.

My neighbors don’t appreciate the vital service that I provide (being first on the walking trail every morning and therefore taking out all the spiderwebs with my face)

Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.

This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”

when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween

Dating tip:

If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.