Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

happy 100th birthday caesar salad!! may we all celebrate this day by stabbing a politician

Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.

I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.

How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?

[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]

ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!

MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!

ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK

A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.

Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃

The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999

An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.

Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.

friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?

fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying

My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies

When you’re a snowman, everything smells like a carrot

I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.

When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box

go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle

Agent: I have a script for you.

Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?

Agent: Yes.

Radcliffe: I’ll do it.

[my wife wants an expensive audi]

ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each

HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?

ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each

[an hour later]

ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each

“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”

“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”

“You’re missing the point.”

“That’s the idea!”

Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.

Me: Ironman

Wife: Get out!

the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?

Taze me once, shame on you; taze me twice, I’ve snuck back into the zoo

Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.

I use a wheelchair. I’m in charge of distributing nonalcoholic beverages at parties. I roll with the punches.

Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”

*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*

Me: “Excellent.”

I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it

[using ouija board]

Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed

H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D

Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer

There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.

today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time

i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.