the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
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This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.