The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
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Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
Fave #ChuckleBrothers gags. Barry to Paul in their beds in the middle of the night:
‘What time is it?’
‘Dunno. Pass me that trombone & I’ll find out.’
*blows trombone loudly*
Someone shouts: ‘WHO’S THAT PLAYING THE TROMBONE AT 2AM?’
😃
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
Pickled cat.
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
felt cute might bury dad later idk
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
I got soap in my shower beer again.
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am
Daughter-you awake?
Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?
Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
I’m looking for a documentary on small rivers. Does anyone know a good streaming service?
cats have been bothering their humans since the dawn of time
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.