The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
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*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here
therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?
me: haha right on, cya guys
wife: wha-
therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?
“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
Another interesting #factupdates post!
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world