Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you meet a surgeon at a party don’t immediately start pitching to them. They are sick of hearing ideas for surgeries, and even if you give them a good one they will just steal it without crediting you

I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?

If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.

I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.

It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.

My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.

Challenge accepted!

Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.

host: name a famous tattoo artist

me: *buzzing in* abraham inkin

Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”

[at Home Depot]

Cashier: That’ll be $25

Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it

Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84

When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.

do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?

I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face

midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potential

technology:

Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe

[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago

ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.

Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*

Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*

House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*

Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting

Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’

Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’

When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”

Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*

This week, we’re celebrating International No Wi-Fi Day! 📴✨
#WawawiwaComics

Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?

The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*

I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”

It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.

My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains

If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.

If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.

His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.

Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired

I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely