The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
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Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
Can’t believe it’s 2024 and the only options napkin dispensers offer are one shredded napkin or 20 napkins.
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
My husband can remember the college a football player went to, what year he was drafted, the number he was picked in the draft, and his height, but can’t remember a certain neighbor’s name no matter how many times I tell him it.
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?