The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
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Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
Looking forward to Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck getting back together again in 2044.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
Darth Vader: “My wife is dead so l’m gonna kill a lot of people :(”
Someone: “Oh, that sucks. Who killed her?”
Darth Vader: >:(
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope