The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
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You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
My son called someone a rascal. I thought he turned 11 a couple weeks ago but clearly it was 80
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours
My parents: Cool
My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me
Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
being too stressed isn’t good for the baby.
i’m not pregnant though, its just that i’m the baby
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good