Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS

Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?

Boss: can I get an update

Me: glitches out and fails to install

GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it

HUMANITY: deal

Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb

Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient

Me: can you come in here a second?

Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?

Me: not for you

So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping

Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.

“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob

“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*

Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.

DR: your IQ test results are abysmal

ME: is… is that good?

I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.

Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…

My wife: …so what do you think?

Me: wait… what?

Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose

Me: I pick u…

Partner: I knew you lov…

Me: …nited airlines

Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”

The news is so predictable nowadays

My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins

Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.

I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist

Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword

Me: *sweating*

My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*

The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.

Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…

When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”

Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.

me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet

landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”

me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.

landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!

<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?

me: no

Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin

Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere

Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.