The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
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HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
the fridge is too full so now i’m stuck here drinking all the wine
That must be a pretty powerful blow dryer if it’s causing them to slow down
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT