Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking

When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.

wake up babe a new reaction meme just dropped

Three thousand years have passed. Mia’s son has merged with a sandworm and rules the wastes of Genovia as a god

Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”

what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonka

what scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka

Me: Do that thing I like.

Husband: Soaks dishes.

“How do you talk to an angel”

Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?

“How do you hold her close to where you are”

Me: Aren’t most angels men?

who called it hell and not heaven’t

Man sits by me on train.
MAN: Loads of psychopaths around here
ME: Really?
MAN: Loads mate
ME: How’d you know?
MAN: There’s signs aren’t there?
ME: I guess?
MAN: I love them
(47 minutes of awkward silence.)
Man leaves train, he has a bike. I realise he was saying ‘cycle paths’.

Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN

Dog: I will do anything for you

Human: drop the ball

Dog: nope

*sniffs glue

glue: I have a boyfriend

A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them

He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.

Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.

Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”

My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’

I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.

grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—

me: it’s not controversial

grampa: don’t start

me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men

grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—

me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—

grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!

Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.

JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film

So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know

Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.

Bitcoin. Toothurt.

Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?

Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha

Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now

Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed

Me: *turns on my cpap machine*

Her: Not like that

Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.

Sometimes I think I’m too old to make a career change. But then I remember how Walter White went from high school chemistry teacher to drug kingpin. Anything is possible!

Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.