Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.

Me: (to my kid after I see her empty plate at the dinner table) I guess you need to learn how take your plate up

My Kid: I’ve already learned that skill.

Me:

My Kid: I don’t need any further practice on it.

Me: 😑

This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.

Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.

Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*

According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet

Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.

Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.

Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.

Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.

Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.

Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag

I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.

Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”

The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.

Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*

Me: Nice work with picking a random password.

Wife: It’s our anniversary.

I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.

[wedding]

“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”

ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR

*priest drops bible*

BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.

[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly

Me: I’d like a nap please.

Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.

Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.

Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.

I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows

imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”

I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.

My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said

One hundred and fat

Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”

Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad

I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.