The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
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Just so we’re all clear, the plural of Roomba is Roombae
Receptionist quietly into phone: Security? Yeah. He’s back
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
Gotta say, as a Canadian, watching this season of America has been absolutely riveting. Kudos to the writers.
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
Someone came up to me today, holding a beer, and claimed to be the best ventriloquist in the world. But I think it was the drink talking.
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
Turns out I’m awesome at meditation. The instructor said she normally spends a lot of time helping new students learn to empty their minds, but in my case that isn’t necessary.
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
motivation
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