Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.

🤣🤣🤣

If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing

(doing standup routine)

Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!

Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!

KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices

Me: Does that include salt and pepper?

KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices

I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support

Note to self: I am a note

ME: I love you

HER:

ME: I said I love you

HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order

this was the best i’ve ever seen

Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.

I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.

flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane

me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!

Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis

Anakin: How do we get in?

Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.

*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*

A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress

I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.

I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.

Nobody:

8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”

My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.

I said “Happy”

Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.

Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.

Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows

How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon

The conversation w customer service has essentially been

“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”

“You violated the terms of service :)”

“Aight but whatd i do”

“You violated the terms of service :)”

“Elaborate tho??”

*crickets*

I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.

5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?

Me: It does now.

All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?

The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping

I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.

astonishing how whenever you go to the post office the queue in front of you is made up almost entirely of people who appear to have ended up at the post office by accident, have in fact never visited a post office before, and have no idea what they want out of the experience

What’s green, has six legs and would kill you if it fell out of a tree?

A billiard table.

People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.