Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣

A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever

Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?

145 year old me: God, I’m fat

Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.

Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now

Ohhhhmygod my bra is showing? Should we tell everyone? Should we throw a dress code disciplinary meeting? Should we invite my middle school vice principal

my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas

Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed

It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.

REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-

ME: My dog doesn’t like it.

REALTOR: But I-

ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU

I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS

[ugly sweater contest]

*starts sweating*

*takes home the gold*

*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.

Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT

This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤

Today my friend who cuts my hair told me last year my husband walked in to the salon one afternoon and said “I want to dye my hair blonde but I don’t want to look like I’m going through a personal crisis. Do you think we can accomplish that?”

I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that

Werewolves of Paris.
ADIEUUUUUUUUUU!

Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand

Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.

Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists

What a relief. Bring on the nukes

[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all

Me when people tell me secrets I already knew

Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!

DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.

DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work

Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”

*loud crash*

15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!

13: The key word being “almost”.

Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?

Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.

Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.

My mom: why are you being so defensive

Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better

Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password

Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)