The principal (who is retiring next week) emailed us all to “remind” us that we aren’t supposed to show movies. There’s 7 days left. Who does she think she’s kidding
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Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
My partner is the most pure of heart person alive lol
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
Canadian owl: Eh?
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
Dog: I HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM TAKE ME OUTSIDE I HAVE TO GO OUTSIDE NOW TAKE ME OUTSIDE I HAVE TO GO SO BAD
Me: omg okay
[45 minutes into our walk]
Me: OMG GO TO THE BATHROOM
Dog: none of these spots meet my strict criteria
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”