The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
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it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”
“threw em out” you shrug
you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”
“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”
And then there were 4
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
they should invent more hobbies for people without skills or patience
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
Aliens traveled millions of light years to get here to visit New Jersey.
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
If I was a chef I’d be chefboyaredont.
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am
Why do people brag about how little sleep they get?
“Yeah I only get like 3 or 4 hours a night”
Cool man, I guess I’ll just… continue having a better life than yours
Please join me in a moment of silence for the wasabi almond that just rolled under my fridge. Godspeed, little buddy. We shall meet again when it’s time to get a new refrigerator and not a moment sooner. Give my best to your new blueberry friends.