The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
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Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
I think my concept of time is way off since the pandemic started. Every day I see something like “happy 57th anniversary to the premiere of Two and a Half Men”.
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit
NORMALIZE WORKPLACE HAMMOCKS
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
Refusing to attend my brother’s gambling intervention until they agree to call it a slot shaming
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
The guy at the Christmas tree place was pretty aggressively trying to upsell me so I said ‘calm down Spruce Lee’ and oooh boy could that kid roundhouse kick
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
My wife: “Do you even like writing?”
Me: “I like having written.”
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.