Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.

I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER

I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.

I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”

every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person

I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.

The pharmacist smiles kindly.

My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.

#Caturday

[at parent-teacher night]

Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, too

Me: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*

A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.

Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual

WebMD: *Blocked

Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.

Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.

[home depot]

employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE

me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT

This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.

My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.

[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay

[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?

something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning

[1800s]

Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise

Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought

Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?

A: Because it waxes every month.

You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.

me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-

boss: *leans in and whispers*

me: essential. they say i’m essential.

My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.

Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.

Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes

The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.

Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.

Me: OMG, what!?

Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.

Me: Phew.

Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!

[Grocery Store]

Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?

Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.

“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.

Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?

Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao

Accountant: what

Willy Wonka: what

Me: my tooth hurts when I suck

Dentist: so you’re in constant pain