The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
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“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
Oh the world we live in…
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem