Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.

Me: why can’t I lose weight?

Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake

I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.

Once again not all heroes wear capes

Me: *gets comfortable*

Life: Just one more thing …

How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?

You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great

[in bathroom stall]

Me: …

Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall

I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.

Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.

Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*

Friend: just be yourself.

Me: Be myself? Be myself?!

Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice

When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.

Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.

When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.

some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.

drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee

21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one

I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.

If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.

I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments

I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”

Someone once asked me if I was drunk.

I said yes.

That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.

I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.

[first date]

Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*

We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.

embroidery proof arrived and as expected, it does not make my wife laugh

If we run out of candy, I’m passing out Taco Bell sauce packets. Don’t worry, they’re mild or I would’ve eaten them by now.

Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.

me: you wanna hot line bling?

date: what?

me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?

date: excuse me

me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!

[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*

Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?

Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?