The probiotic bottle says there’s a billion good bacteria in every dose. How do we know they’re all good? Out of a billion can we be sure there’s not one mean ass microbe just waiting to escape the capsule and kill someone?
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[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
I’ve been day drinking espresso martinis if anyone needs some trees chopped down
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
pesto is just an Italian word that means “produced by pounding” so in a way we are all pesto
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
he’ll never suspect a thing
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
This was a bad idea all around
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
Don’t you hate it when you go in ALDI to buy an apple and walk past the middle aisle and then you’re back in your car with a 4 person tent and a fucking bbq
Customer is always right
4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
i’m still crying at this
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.