Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wife: where’s the baby

me: in the cradle

wife: but where’s the cradle

me: on the treetop

[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]

me: I just thought of a song

People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…

Was it jail? I bet it was jail.

Me: Wake up

5-year-old:

Me: We’re late

5:

Me: The house is on fire

5:

Me: Your sister touched your stuff

5: *barrel rolls out of bed*

Cereal is basically dog food for humans.

What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?

I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.

My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.

rapatouille

If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the job of 3-5 people

Me: *checking weather on phone*

3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?

Me:

3:

Me: Yes, we go way back.

I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.

Axl Rose: welcome to the jungle

The jungle: please stop bringing people here

The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.

If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?

Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy

The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?

A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said

WIFE: I’m leaving

ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more

WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops

ME: Ooh get tacos

I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy

Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”

Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”

I come from a time of excessive Durans.

An app where you and your SO swipe left and right on restaurants until there’s a match. No talking, no negotiation. Who’s building this?

Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.

Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase

Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.

– Yoda does Hamlet

“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.

Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.

me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start

my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards

Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY