The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
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[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
Was dancing with a lad last night, and his mates dragged him away for the last train home… he said “my names Maff I’m from Kettering, find me”… imagine if life were that easy 😅
Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.