Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –

Me: And I must never open it?

Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.

Responding to any and all emails with ‘wow ok’

“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people

If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.

How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.

Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.

Me: Is that why I’m-

Boss: That’s why you’re working.

i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone

While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”

I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSpray

We tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.

Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.

Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.

Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.

I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.

my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”

I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches

*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*

“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”

My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?

Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.

Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.

#CarrotDay

I found myself sitting beside the doctor who delivered me 42 years ago so I asked “do you remember me?” and he looked at me all serious and replied “it’s hard to tell when you’re wearing clothes”

ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.

ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.

My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.

#PlumbersDay

A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground

I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.

When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.

I might have repeated it.

[inventing vampire weaknesses]

writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night

writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?

writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!

writer 2: we’re crushing this

[5 hours later]

writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside

writer 2: garlic

I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her

And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol

*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*

You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.