The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
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“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me