The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
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Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
my babysitter let my kid make 11 milkshakes and now there are an absurd amount of boys in the yard. You better believe I’ll have my wife say something.
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
The Compass
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”