The problem is that you are in the dating pool when the other fish are in the ocean.
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me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
accidentally clicking the spam button on someone you email regularly but being too lazy to undo it and seeing how it plays out
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
deleted bumble, instead i’m just going to walk into trader joe’s and look confused
Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
Called in, “Let’s make this simple. What excuse haven’t I used yet?
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.