Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.

On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.

Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant

Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.

I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”

If you want your dog to take a pill:

1. Get a piece of cheese

2. Eat the cheese for energy

3. Get ready to wrestle your dog

my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself

A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.

I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”

“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf

Villian: one false move and you’re history

Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you

ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?

ME: Not murdering.

ATTORNEY: But where were you?

ME: {sweating} The not murder store.

peep davidson

It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.

I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.

I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.

well, guess what, Brianne?

Happy 25th anniversary

Tell Dad I said hi

One venti cheeseburger please.

Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.

My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤

Them: you smell so good what is that?

Me: bleach

Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle

Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman

You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.

I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.

I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.

Going to wash my car then when I get back it’s all politics for me from here on out. I don’t really pay attention so I won’t know what I’m talking about but that’s clearly not stopped any of you

[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people

When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.

I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable