The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
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My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
Today a coworker from another department was talking about her daughter, Haysleigh, and I guess I gave an eyebrow raise because she immediately said “like paisley but agricultural” then spelled it and I felt my soul leave my body
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.