The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
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Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
Your honor, I was only doing a facepalm and his face got in the way of my face.
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
just got CPR certified if yall know anyone dead or dying tell them hml
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
date: I’m a really big people person
frankenstein: omg, same
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
The biggest problem with finding another job is I don’t want one
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
decorating my apartment
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
The struggle is real.
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
Said hello to someone, they didn’t hear me, immediately assumed it was some sort of sixth sense situation
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.