The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
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Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
It’s not enough for my dog to sit and get pets; he must also make eye contact with my other dog to make sure that he knows.
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
Dookie Cough is how folks were dying on the Oregon trail.
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?