The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
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I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
IT guy: How much Internet do you need?
My folks: 10,000
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
[The next day]
Andrew Ridgeley: So did she wake you up before she went went
George Michael: She woke me up before she went went
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.