The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
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I’m going to start walking around in my yard all day in a bathrobe so my neighbors will build that privacy fence I always wanted.
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
I could never commit gun violence. The only things I know how to reload are my pill caddy and a Pez dispenser.
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
$20k in my bank account (the k is silent)
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.