Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(Creating the platypus)

God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*

Angel: What?

God: You know *hip thrusts*

doc: so how are you feeling

me: awful

doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood

I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.

At my age I don’t sleep, I nap between pee breaks.

All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.

half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both

Got the results of my history exam.

Past.

*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs

Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.

Dress for the job you want to sleep at

Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*

My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*

Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.

You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped

Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.

Son: Facebook is for old people.

Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…

I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”

???????????????????????

[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want to

guy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.

The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.

I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too

“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”

[interview]

What’s your greatest weakness?

ME: Probably avoiding tough questions

Can you elaborate on that?

ME: Oh hey look at the time!

I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’

LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash

Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.

Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.

If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming

Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.

Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!

Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!

Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation

I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.