The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
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Pacifically speaking, for all intensive purposes, don’t take me for granite.
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
My ideology is to stay away from people with ideology.
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.
Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
Natural selection at its finest