Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.

If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.

Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.

If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up

I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.

I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.

My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars

angel: when was he resurrected

god: Sunday?

angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing

god: it was like early-mid April

angel: ok-

god: could’ve been March tho

angel:

god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit

angel: bruh

“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”

-a potato

[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff

Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something

Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.

If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.

*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*

Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.

Bank account: *shakes head furiously*

Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*

Billion dollar technology idea:

A printer that works

I met a microbiologist today…

He was a lot bigger than I expected.

In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.

toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.

I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…

Her: “Move.”

I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.

business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling down

business 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpole

business 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections

Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”

Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”

“What is that the trees outside in the wind?”

– Me in bed, wondering what the sound of my dry crusty feet on my sheets is

I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?

911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*

whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know

*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party

Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?

Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.