The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
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[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
when I go to parties I always bring my own plunger
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
Someone asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
30 minutes was not the right answer.
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
Woke up against my better judgment again
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
oh so when jesus does its fine but when i yell “one of you is going to betray me! everyone just eat me!” im ruining ruths chris for everyone