The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
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The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
A duv-egg? In this economy?
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
blocking someone isn’t enough i want them to be forced to drink orange juice after brushing their teeth
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
hear me out: A Netflix series where MMA champions go undercover to Eagles games wearing the opposing team’s jersey
So proud of my daughter for getting the lead role in The Tempest. Today’s performances will be during homework and bedtime.
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
“No problem at all, the food was delicious in the end, thank you, well worth the wait!”
Translation: I won’t be coming to this restaurant again.
Man wait until y’all realize that I’m the same person who posted this back in the day 😭
My life has BEEN weird. I got stories for days.
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.