the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
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I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
😩😩😩
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
I thought you all should know that there’s a guy who just does VR drunk driving all day
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
The toilet seat moving unexpectedly has to be the scariest shit that can happen to you where you’re in absolutely no danger whatsoever
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?