Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Husband: Let’s role play.

Me: Okay.

H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.

Me: I quit.

A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.

These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.

[nail salon]

Excuse me, do you do filing here?

“Yes of course we do!”

Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*

[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.

coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions

I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time

then compulsively fluff it for a month.

A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.

People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.

You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?

Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.

*Hands you a handbasket*

You know what to do…….

“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds

Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.

Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.

This story is comedy gold 😂

My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.

I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.

The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014

Me My dog

I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.

I unironically love this joke.

Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try

Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier

My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late

I put the dance in “Good riddance!”

The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation

I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.

So how many people have you murdered?

this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore

Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?

Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.

Let’s settle this like adults.

Rock, paper, scissors.