the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
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The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.