the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
Baseball is weird in that you directly supply to your opponent the opportunity to score against you
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
