the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
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[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.
This will never not be funny to me.
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
That time Alicia messaged me
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
This raises questions
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
if you pick a movie that’s longer than the flight the pilot gets a notification to fly around for a bit
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…