The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
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Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
It used to be cool to see fighters from different disciplines compete in mixed martial arts, but then the guys with swords started winning everything and they had to change the rules.
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
hey i noticed you’re not saying what i want
black friday used to have heart. i wanna see someone get clocked for a wii
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
pizza
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
tried donating blood as a good citizen and they tasted my hemoglobin and the lady said I must go home and focus on keeping my own self alive 🧍🏽♀️