The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
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Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
[camping]
Her: *pointing* What’s that?
Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears
H: *tuts*
M: We’re safe as long as it’s there
H: Right…
*later – cut to me eating the sammich*
*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*
M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
Mayor of a small town is such a wild job. It’s like being the president of a country where you went to high school with the whole population.
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*
Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.
Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.
Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.
Me: Leave the military out of this.
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
Lmao
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists