Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]

King’s Men: all the King’s men are here

Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?

King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses

Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???

HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?

I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.

I was born to run.

Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.

my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”

In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money

I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.

You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.

(after bedtime)

3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!

Me: go to sleep.

3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU

M: yes you can

3:NO I CAN’T

I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….

sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild

I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.

Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.

BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-

ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]

I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.

All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.

If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”

My name will always be Matt.

The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.

When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.

*hops in time machine*

him: where ya going?

me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW

I’m not saying my kid is lying about reading his homework book, but he does seem to think the character is called Wee Willy Wonka

ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*

*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]

WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]

“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower

Finally!

Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT

Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.

VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins

ME: which ones

VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin

ME: no it’s not

VITAMIN WATER: what about blue