Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”

*goes to watch youtube vid*

BUFFER

well okay *lifts weights*

*checks again*

BUFFER

*does steroids*

BUFFER

“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”

I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.

French windows?

No but I’ve snogged patio doors.

Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?

Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.

Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself… Probably had it coming anyway

If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.

I don’t make the rules.

3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?

Me: What? I don’t know

3: Dadda get up, go find it

Me: …..

3: …..

Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?

3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!

I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.

This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕

A fun thing for an author to do would be to have the last line of the book be something like “he said, in his Jamaican accent, which he’d had this whole time.” Make the audiobook narrator have to start the whole thing over.

ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL

haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors

I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.

1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”

English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words

*works out for 75 mins

*eats an entire batch of cookie dough

Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.

I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles

I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.

Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow

WILL SMITH SLAPPED CHRIS ROCK??????

My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.

ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff

I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.

date: [making small talk over dinner] so what are you looking for?
me: [fingering my soup] i dropped my spoon in

Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.

*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest

Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.

I’m listening