The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment

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I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.


I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️


[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight

[11:00pm] yay i did it!

[11:01pm] *preheats oven*


Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker


If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.


*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so


[sees a kid at the park doing the pee pee dance]
[it starts raining buckets of pee]


u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap


In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.


Chairman: Ok so we’ve decided a group of crows is called a flock?

Creepy Frank: *licking a knife* I’ve got a better idea