The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment

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“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Because I’m a sweater”
“BECAUSE YOUR A SWE- hehe yeah that’s weird but no. Tail light’s out.”


Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school


Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.

*finally watches it*

Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?


No one has seen you look worse than the gas station closest to your house.


Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*


Cop: Know why I stopped you?




Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.

oh no


How DARE you say I’m too much of a geek! I don’t have to take this. We’re LEAVING!

(turning to my kids)

Harry, Clara, Sansa, let’s go.