@dumbbeezie

The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment

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@ibid78

“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
*sighs*
“Because I’m a sweater”
“BECAUSE YOUR A SWE- hehe yeah that’s weird but no. Tail light’s out.”

@ieatanddrink

Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school

@sixfootcandy

Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.

*finally watches it*

Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?

@Ryanfc706

No one has seen you look worse than the gas station closest to your house.

@krisv_723

Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*

@Reverend_Scott

Cop: Know why I stopped you?

SUPER DANCE OFF??

Cop: OH YEAH

OH YEAH?

Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.

oh no

@Wh0v1an_4_L1fe

How DARE you say I’m too much of a geek! I don’t have to take this. We’re LEAVING!

(turning to my kids)

Harry, Clara, Sansa, let’s go.