The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
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Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
lmfao come on
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.