The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
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Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
Watson was Holmes schooled
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKINGHow Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS
25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.
So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
Don’t forget to set several alarms the first day of school so you remember to pick up the kids
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
need someone to feed me Doritos while i read, so i don’t mess up the pages. no weirdos.