Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much

the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake

why we do always assume Pat is short for Patrick when it could also be short for Patatouille

Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?

[paleontology class]

PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?

STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?

PROFESSOR: bingo!

STUDENT: *smug look*

PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous

She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.

Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.

If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.

Architect: so for the bathroom-

Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable

Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap

I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….

… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.

that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say

there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)

Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow

I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???

[three days after inventing phone]

*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*

Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs

the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter

No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.

I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”

Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.

when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too

Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.

I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.

I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.

My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.

me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider

I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.

Everything becomes normal eventually. Think of the most beautiful spot on earth, the place you would give your left arm to see just once before you die. There’s a tour guide who works there, and he wakes up every morning thinking, “Oh god, not this shit again.”

Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”

Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.