The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
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It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
Classic German Shepherd 😂
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos