Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶

Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁

Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.

sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*

Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.

Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.

FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—

Me: 8PM.

Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????

A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold

[Murderer chasing me]

Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET

Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me

Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*

her: why are u breaking up with me

me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen

The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious

Husband: *snoring*

It’s like he’s trying to tell me something

*snoring*

What is it boy?

*snoring intensifies*

Timmy’s stuck in a well?

I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.

I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.

Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”

adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over

MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!

ME: that is sound advice

Breaking news:

Met a hot girl in the bar.

She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.

if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl

me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER

Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵‍💫

FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you

SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet

I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.

Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.

Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?

We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.

Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.

If my trainee says “on God” one more time, he’s going to meet him

@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.

One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.

Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!