The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
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No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
If I ever went to jail for murder it would be for murdering my printer.
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.