The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
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I get a bunch of targeted ads asking me to donate my sperm. and I’m down as long as they don’t use it for making babies.
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
Went to a social event for my kid’s new school and they asked the parents to share what your friends like in 7th grade and I told them if I shared that you wouldn’t let your kid hang out with mine.
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
ME: So you’re into football?
DATE: I’m a big Eagles fan.
ME: Omg same. I just love how they rescued Frodo from that mountain.
HER: I need to see other people.
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.