The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
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With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
Got fired from Goldman Sachs for insisting that you can’t have a board meeting without charcuterie
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.
SONOFA
Venn
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
As a kid: I can’t wait to stay up late and no one can tell me when to go to bed
Me at 41: ope my fitness device just said it’s bedtime. I better go.
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
My 6yo told me his classmate has a pet wolf, and it’s giving him some ideas about our current pet situation
I fucking love Gary Larson so much
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50