Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.

I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.

I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves

kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland

Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.

[4:07 am]

[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle

There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.

Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips

If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?

[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road

[Medieval Europe]

Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.

Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!

“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”

-if Lassie had been a cat

Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”

Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”

Nobody ever collects famous first words.

Put a bar inside Home Depot you cowards.

WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.

the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister

“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside

Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.

The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor

I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.

Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.

“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside

I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.

Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snack

Snacks are ALWAYS the answer

they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly

If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.

BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]