The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
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Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
my lower back watching me try to live my life
“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀
[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.