The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini

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If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.


My dog learned how to open our sliding door and my toddler learned how to open the baby gate, so if anyone sees a toddler riding a dog those are mine.


why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta


-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!


I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.


[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]

Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.

CEO: How can we supply that many?

Jesus: *winks at camera*


I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat


Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe


ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher

*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*

TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this


Me: so what does your husband do?

Her: he’s a dermatologist

Me: pore guy :/