Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-

Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.

IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?

Me: They’re my dependencies.

IRS: It’s “dependents.”

Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?

Science memes

A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.

It’s only 9am, & I’ve already ruined my son’s entire life by giving him the banana with the brown spot on it.

I pretend I’m waterboarding the bowls when I’m doing the washing up. I’ll ask them a question then put them under the faucet.

*gets bitten by a radioactive bear

*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear

Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?

*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*

Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?

Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.

Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.

Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.

Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner

I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!

[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]

Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-

Dracula’s son: they do the mash

Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash

My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”

God: you’re a kiwi.

Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?

God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.

Kiwi: really what’s that?

God: you can smell through your beak so good!

Kiwi:

God:

Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?

God: sure!

Kiwi: I smell bullsh-

“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”

– Viruses

My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”

how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer

I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”

I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.

ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.

i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.

I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.

Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.

You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check

When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.

I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky

I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.

I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug