The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
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I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
After playing guitar all these years, I thought I’d give piano a try. But that’s not an easy instrument to pick up.
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
Olympics: carry this lit torch across the world
Smokey the bear: o hell no
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
the lady behind me in line at the grocery store saw my lil cake and was like ‘oh whats the occasion?’ maam the occasion is i have adult money and enjoy cake
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.