The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
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being a writer on Twitter:
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
Beatles: 🎶All you need is love🎶
Me: “And a million dollars.”
Beatles: 🎶All you need is love🎶
Me: “And a million dollars.”
Beatles: 🎶All you need is love, love🎶
Me: “Agree to disagree.”
My favorite female superhero
What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.