The problem with parental controls is I need my kid to help me figure out how to set them up
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6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?
Cop: Yes, go back a step.
Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.
Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
How I’d get arrested…
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
The battle for ownership of the recliner between me & elder dog is becoming a blood match. Should I all of a sudden stop tweeting just know that I fought bravely.
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.