The problem with parental controls is I need my kid to help me figure out how to set them up
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I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
Just tried a “sorry this is my first day” to a customer’s question and he was like I saw you here two weeks ago!
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
My husband met us at the park and surprised me with a large iced coffee and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I just had a large iced coffee so now I’m vibrating and going to piss myself
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.