Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I am a genie. I grant you three wi—

Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!

What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue

[First Date]

Him: And, how did you get here?

Me: My parents had sex.

My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.

He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.

forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene

Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox

Wife: Aw that’s nice

[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich

Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.

Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…

Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.

I listened to an interview with Matt Damon this morning. We always listen to interviews together.

I met a married woman today, she’s been married for 45 years . I asked her what’s the secret – how did they do it?

She said they the secret is that her and husband never wanted a divorce at the same time

sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”

“Kill it!!”
“Relax Sam, it’s just a spider.”
“KILL IT!”

When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.

me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry

her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-

me: I mean I’ll do anything

her: I just said you can lis-

me: anything at all

my mind

You just read my mind

Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…

Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?

Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?

Coworker: Pass your random drug test?

Me: With flying colors!

CW: Really?

Me. So many colors!

CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?

[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”

The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.

Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*

they should invent a customer service center that isnt currently experiencing higher than normal call volume

“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library

I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.

I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.

Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.

I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.

My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.

Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’

Clerk: Pants are implied

My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.

One arm at a time.

Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit